Criticism is fine. And/but also, these days we are wiser to the interference of gender and power in how critique is delivered. I think wisdom is being able to discern when an 'expert' lording their experience is just using their position to bully. Most of us - especially young women - will have experienced that in higher education settings. These days as a middle aged woman with my own expertise I am mindful of how criticism is offered, with what intention, and how to also be kind and generous.
Most of the time, I think the problem winds up being the writer tying up their work and their self-worth too much. If you’re someone who justifies yourself through what you write, it hurts like hell to see someone criticize it. Think the best approach to criticism requires some spirit of detachment: recognizing that you are not the same as your writing and that you’re not a failure for writing something worthy of critique.
So much gold here, Patrick. You're right, it does hurt like hell. It's a fine line between pouring your heart into our words, without tying up our self-worth entirely in them (as you succinctly put it). Thanks for this.
This struck me having gone to art school, and since 2007 when I barely had developed an animation style(I majored in something I knew nothing about), but since then, with the aid of DIY, have picked up a multitude of art forms and various crafts, that the idea "you are not your art" is the opposite of what I essentially came up with as a whole brand of style, rather than a variety of types of jewelry or handmade bags, etc. I do understand what you mean as far as writing is concerned, but I immediately thought to myself "in the literal sense of the word, I am my art and my art is me(and the last part 'me' is another line I draw further away from the original direction of what was intended. This is something I struggle with when commenting in specific topics and genres, but one is how I interact with groups online and have come to realize I have no social skills for the online community and need a LOT of guidance that I'd appreciate a mentor to learn the native language when I'm in a land that I feel as if I'm a character in a Black Mirror episode, and don't even know who or how to ask for such help.
Apologies for the derailing. I just installed this app. I have maybe 5 total social related apps, of which I spend almost no consistent amount of time on.
I feel you, and I obviously didn't come up w the OG quote, so I should clarify…
Prolly worthy of a whole post, but for now I'll just add that the way I've always understood “you are not your art" is… we're not the pottery we made that someone dropped and broke 5 years after we sold it to them.
We're not the painting collecting dust behind other paintings in our studio, and we're not the our book that someone sets on fire.
Yes, we made those things as our art from our heart, but we're still us without each individual piece, and we're still growing as a person.
So, when someone doesn't like a piece of our art, it's not a rejection of the whole human behind it. I have RSD w avoidant attachment, and so I distance myself from things before they can be taken away.
I've learned to embrace my art by sharing it which forces me to hold on to it in a way. If that makes any sense. But, anytime someone doesn't like it, I realize they're not my audience, and that's good because I'd get overwhelmed if everyone loved it, THEN it wouldn't feel like it was my art.
Thank you for sharing your perspective, and here’s hoping we can both find a healthy & balanced connection w our art. 🥰
Writing, like all creative work, happens in the land of inspiration and is a work of the heart. This makes it personal and therefore harder to accept critique. A piece of us dies on the cutting room floor. At least it can feel like that. Everything is personal!
Just as inspiration is a gift, if we can expand that gift from the individual work we produce to include the community of voices that help us refine, it can turn the experience into something more generative. As long as the voices that critique care about your baby as much as you do, you’ll be better off for it. Creativity its always a community effort.
We’ve seen entire segments of society locked out regardless of their talent. Artists outside the dominant ideology don’t get to be “misunderstood geniuses”—they just become invisible. Popular culture and literature operate within an agreed-upon range of acceptability. In my experience, criticisms are veiled biases. Some of us must accept never. And be good with that.
I still remember the critics throughout high school and college. I recently wrote about this in another post. I struggled to write clearly, but those critics fueled me to become better. Here's an excerpt from my post: "I remember when my writing was sloppy. The bloody massacre of redlines on essays and research papers in high school and college. My ambition to write left me with a lingering kerfuffle of wanting to understand my mistakes. I can hear the clock ticking; the luxury of time available to me during college. I can place my footsteps on the red brick walkway as I strolled towards the writing center to sit with a stranger and to read aloud a piece of writing. Grasping for the right words to express your ideas as a foreigner takes determination. It’s like gasping for air, unable to swim and with no swimming aids nearby. I was stuck in a vast ocean. In my mind, I could see and feel what I wanted to say. I didn’t understand the American language enough to rearrange it, to ride it like a wave, to play with it, and to wrap it around myself tight enough where it felt like my own skin. I now have the freedom to take it off, throw it to the side, and come up with my own mother tongue. I can feel the pull of gravity beneath my feet. I am far inland now. My writing is lousy, you said. You were right."
I think bringing humor into “uncomfortable learning” takes off the edge so I can receive feedback more usefully. I also think the denial part of the sting can be related to lack of trust in the reviewer ability to understand your intent (but intent is not = to message when the writing is unclear) Theses are good reasons to have a trusted but unbiased critique group. I recently texted this as part of an exchange before sending a PB text to a critique partner: “You are so funny. And I trust you. If it's poop, you'll let me know, and we'll laugh about together it as I chuck it over the fence.” Humor and trust are my sting shields, alongside the reinforcement of the improvement in my work.
Yes! When my writing is criticized part of me definitely feels a little salty, but overall I appreciate the feedback and am thankful to learn more so I can improve.
I ran a large analytic center for nine years and had many, many opportunities to review analysts’ work. I was always honest but unyielding. My preferred approach was to talk through solutions, trying to teach them to find the answers. With employees, rather than students, I had to lead them to their field of expertise. Many times, it took a few tries but was always worth the effort.
Tony, sounds like you balanced honesty with tact. My dad was a school administrator and he often talks about the need for repetition and multiple rounds of feedback. Thanks for sharing.
The best editors, teachers and story developers to work with understand that feedback is an art form, and the aim is to keep what is vital and lively inside the work (and the human being) from being extinguished, whilst delivering the truth. They are as gifted - and as disciplined - as any good artist. They take what is meaningful to a writer, and make it meaningful to an audience. It should be a selfless practice, devoted to love of writing. Not love of self.
So many more people have access to education and platforms like this that it's easier than ever before to put yourself out there. Power (including the ease and anonymity of screens and the internet) makes it really easy to give negative feedback without having to sit with its impact. As an educator who has engaged with babies up to seniors, we might not know what has led each student to our classroom, the praise they've always received, or the teeth and nails they've lost on the way in.
Dr. Gottman says when we trust people, we can perceive neutral or even negative things they do positively (but also vice versa). So, if we take the time to foster trust (individually or among students), and also take the time to ensure our feedback is kind and constructive, we will have more success delivering criticism and others will have an easier time accepting it.
I've had negative feedback of all varieties, constructive and not, in relation to my writing (and other things). I've chosen to take the lessons for my benefit, but some of those negative comments wounded me unnecessarily. Plus, a lot of feedback is highly subjective - many artists have become stars for their trouncing of convention.
We may fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, but if we do not have love -- that comes to nothing.
"The trick is to judge feedback not by the discomfort it causes but by the truth it reveals." Love this! Great piece that reminds me of the importance of getting feedback for my writing.
Good word! I'm fortunate to have an excellent writer, critic and editor in my own husband. Marital tensions flared when I first asked for feedback – and boy, did he give it. We didn't speak for the rest of the day. But that essay turned out to be be the best I had yet written after I took his advice and reorganized it. A magazine has since purchased it, and the proceeds went in the shared bank account – which is fitting.
The most admired editor I’ve had the honor and pleasure to work with once looked at my article and half way down, turned to me and said, “So what exactly is this piece of shit I’m reading, Pearson?” Best lesson I learned in the art and craft writing. So impactful was that moment that I had to include it my first book.
Criticism is fine. And/but also, these days we are wiser to the interference of gender and power in how critique is delivered. I think wisdom is being able to discern when an 'expert' lording their experience is just using their position to bully. Most of us - especially young women - will have experienced that in higher education settings. These days as a middle aged woman with my own expertise I am mindful of how criticism is offered, with what intention, and how to also be kind and generous.
I respect your approach immensely. Wish more people put your level of intentionality into their feedback process.
Most of the time, I think the problem winds up being the writer tying up their work and their self-worth too much. If you’re someone who justifies yourself through what you write, it hurts like hell to see someone criticize it. Think the best approach to criticism requires some spirit of detachment: recognizing that you are not the same as your writing and that you’re not a failure for writing something worthy of critique.
So much gold here, Patrick. You're right, it does hurt like hell. It's a fine line between pouring your heart into our words, without tying up our self-worth entirely in them (as you succinctly put it). Thanks for this.
This is it! I wish I could restack just this comment 😆 "you are not your art" some of my writing is good, and some is just utter steaming 💩
Haha, love this.
This struck me having gone to art school, and since 2007 when I barely had developed an animation style(I majored in something I knew nothing about), but since then, with the aid of DIY, have picked up a multitude of art forms and various crafts, that the idea "you are not your art" is the opposite of what I essentially came up with as a whole brand of style, rather than a variety of types of jewelry or handmade bags, etc. I do understand what you mean as far as writing is concerned, but I immediately thought to myself "in the literal sense of the word, I am my art and my art is me(and the last part 'me' is another line I draw further away from the original direction of what was intended. This is something I struggle with when commenting in specific topics and genres, but one is how I interact with groups online and have come to realize I have no social skills for the online community and need a LOT of guidance that I'd appreciate a mentor to learn the native language when I'm in a land that I feel as if I'm a character in a Black Mirror episode, and don't even know who or how to ask for such help.
Apologies for the derailing. I just installed this app. I have maybe 5 total social related apps, of which I spend almost no consistent amount of time on.
I feel you, and I obviously didn't come up w the OG quote, so I should clarify…
Prolly worthy of a whole post, but for now I'll just add that the way I've always understood “you are not your art" is… we're not the pottery we made that someone dropped and broke 5 years after we sold it to them.
We're not the painting collecting dust behind other paintings in our studio, and we're not the our book that someone sets on fire.
Yes, we made those things as our art from our heart, but we're still us without each individual piece, and we're still growing as a person.
So, when someone doesn't like a piece of our art, it's not a rejection of the whole human behind it. I have RSD w avoidant attachment, and so I distance myself from things before they can be taken away.
I've learned to embrace my art by sharing it which forces me to hold on to it in a way. If that makes any sense. But, anytime someone doesn't like it, I realize they're not my audience, and that's good because I'd get overwhelmed if everyone loved it, THEN it wouldn't feel like it was my art.
Thank you for sharing your perspective, and here’s hoping we can both find a healthy & balanced connection w our art. 🥰
Detachment? That's a neat trick if you can pull it off. I guess it depends on how the axe is swung by the critic.
Yeah, it’s not something I’ve really mastered yet, haha. But something I’m striving for I suppose.
We all strive. Then die trying! (Hopefully not!)
Writing, like all creative work, happens in the land of inspiration and is a work of the heart. This makes it personal and therefore harder to accept critique. A piece of us dies on the cutting room floor. At least it can feel like that. Everything is personal!
Just as inspiration is a gift, if we can expand that gift from the individual work we produce to include the community of voices that help us refine, it can turn the experience into something more generative. As long as the voices that critique care about your baby as much as you do, you’ll be better off for it. Creativity its always a community effort.
So many quotable lines here, thank you. My favs: "a piece of us dies on the cutting room floor" and "creativity is always a community effort."
We’ve seen entire segments of society locked out regardless of their talent. Artists outside the dominant ideology don’t get to be “misunderstood geniuses”—they just become invisible. Popular culture and literature operate within an agreed-upon range of acceptability. In my experience, criticisms are veiled biases. Some of us must accept never. And be good with that.
I still remember the critics throughout high school and college. I recently wrote about this in another post. I struggled to write clearly, but those critics fueled me to become better. Here's an excerpt from my post: "I remember when my writing was sloppy. The bloody massacre of redlines on essays and research papers in high school and college. My ambition to write left me with a lingering kerfuffle of wanting to understand my mistakes. I can hear the clock ticking; the luxury of time available to me during college. I can place my footsteps on the red brick walkway as I strolled towards the writing center to sit with a stranger and to read aloud a piece of writing. Grasping for the right words to express your ideas as a foreigner takes determination. It’s like gasping for air, unable to swim and with no swimming aids nearby. I was stuck in a vast ocean. In my mind, I could see and feel what I wanted to say. I didn’t understand the American language enough to rearrange it, to ride it like a wave, to play with it, and to wrap it around myself tight enough where it felt like my own skin. I now have the freedom to take it off, throw it to the side, and come up with my own mother tongue. I can feel the pull of gravity beneath my feet. I am far inland now. My writing is lousy, you said. You were right."
Wow, Gema, thank you for sharing this. Grateful to learn a bit of your story.
I think bringing humor into “uncomfortable learning” takes off the edge so I can receive feedback more usefully. I also think the denial part of the sting can be related to lack of trust in the reviewer ability to understand your intent (but intent is not = to message when the writing is unclear) Theses are good reasons to have a trusted but unbiased critique group. I recently texted this as part of an exchange before sending a PB text to a critique partner: “You are so funny. And I trust you. If it's poop, you'll let me know, and we'll laugh about together it as I chuck it over the fence.” Humor and trust are my sting shields, alongside the reinforcement of the improvement in my work.
Agreed, humor goes a long way. None of us should take ourselves too seriously :)
Love your line: "humor and trust are my sting shields". Thanks for sharing.
Oof. A good word. I’m learning that humility is a key characteristic of an ever-improving writer. Criticism is tough—but never growing is tougher.
Love this. Thank you.
Yes! When my writing is criticized part of me definitely feels a little salty, but overall I appreciate the feedback and am thankful to learn more so I can improve.
100% with you: it's never fun on the front end. But if it's wise feedback, the fruit comes later.
learning to handle criticism is a tough one for me.
I'm with you. Writing to myself here ;)
I ran a large analytic center for nine years and had many, many opportunities to review analysts’ work. I was always honest but unyielding. My preferred approach was to talk through solutions, trying to teach them to find the answers. With employees, rather than students, I had to lead them to their field of expertise. Many times, it took a few tries but was always worth the effort.
Tony, sounds like you balanced honesty with tact. My dad was a school administrator and he often talks about the need for repetition and multiple rounds of feedback. Thanks for sharing.
The best editors, teachers and story developers to work with understand that feedback is an art form, and the aim is to keep what is vital and lively inside the work (and the human being) from being extinguished, whilst delivering the truth. They are as gifted - and as disciplined - as any good artist. They take what is meaningful to a writer, and make it meaningful to an audience. It should be a selfless practice, devoted to love of writing. Not love of self.
"The best editors, teachers, and story developers... take what is meaningful to a writer, and make it meaningful to an audience."
Great word, Veronica.
So many more people have access to education and platforms like this that it's easier than ever before to put yourself out there. Power (including the ease and anonymity of screens and the internet) makes it really easy to give negative feedback without having to sit with its impact. As an educator who has engaged with babies up to seniors, we might not know what has led each student to our classroom, the praise they've always received, or the teeth and nails they've lost on the way in.
Dr. Gottman says when we trust people, we can perceive neutral or even negative things they do positively (but also vice versa). So, if we take the time to foster trust (individually or among students), and also take the time to ensure our feedback is kind and constructive, we will have more success delivering criticism and others will have an easier time accepting it.
I've had negative feedback of all varieties, constructive and not, in relation to my writing (and other things). I've chosen to take the lessons for my benefit, but some of those negative comments wounded me unnecessarily. Plus, a lot of feedback is highly subjective - many artists have become stars for their trouncing of convention.
We may fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, but if we do not have love -- that comes to nothing.
Well said, joy. I'm with you: I've been on the receiving end of unhelpful critique that was unfair. Your final line hits home, thank you.
We certainly need feedback but it is more needed learning to hush our sentiments so we can hold advices and trash away rude comments.
"The trick is to judge feedback not by the discomfort it causes but by the truth it reveals." Love this! Great piece that reminds me of the importance of getting feedback for my writing.
Thanks Caroline.
Good word! I'm fortunate to have an excellent writer, critic and editor in my own husband. Marital tensions flared when I first asked for feedback – and boy, did he give it. We didn't speak for the rest of the day. But that essay turned out to be be the best I had yet written after I took his advice and reorganized it. A magazine has since purchased it, and the proceeds went in the shared bank account – which is fitting.
Sounds like you married well! Agreed, navigating feedback in marriage is a learned skill :)
The most admired editor I’ve had the honor and pleasure to work with once looked at my article and half way down, turned to me and said, “So what exactly is this piece of shit I’m reading, Pearson?” Best lesson I learned in the art and craft writing. So impactful was that moment that I had to include it my first book.
No way! That's certainly straightforward. Good on you for being malleable in a moment when many would have shut down.